February 17, 2011
By Staff Reporter
For many years — nay, decades — Irishmen have been curtly informed that they have fallen badly behind their equivalents in the female gender. Indeed, these allegations were usually made by Irishwomen, be they sisters, wives, girlfriends or even mothers.
Most cruel of all, the word “slob” often found itself bandied about in relation to the sartorial style of the Irishman. It was implied that the very DNA of the Irish male rendered him incapable of matching the verve and elegance of Irishwomen.
No more! This week, Irishmen across the globe rejoice at the discovery of a 5-foot-2 ancestor, whose body has lain preserved deep in a bog near Clonycavan, Co. Meath, for the past 2,300 years.
Scientists have now examined the man (and his 6-foot-6 contemporary who was found in a bog in County Offaly), and reveal that he was wearing an expensive hair gel, made from pine resin that had to be imported from France.
Furthermore, the experts say, he used the gel to spike up his hair in a chic Mohawk style to make up for his short stature.
This discovery comprehensively refutes the notion that Irishmen are genetically “challenged” when it comes to presenting themselves. For many, it will even restore that inner confidence so crucial in the apparel and grooming decision-making process.
Irishmen will simply not permit the fact that “Clonycavan Man” had his head split open with an ax before being disemboweled and killed to undermine this important lesson from history.