February 16, 2011
By Staff Reporter
By Eileen Murphy
Back in the 1980s, Time magazine declared U2 the band of the decade and we had spiky hair, not to mention shoulder pads the size of couch cushions. In those halcyon days, we were convinced that Bono was a sensitive soul, searching for spiritual fulfillment. Now, it turns out that what he’s really been looking for is an expensive laptop computer. Geez, who knew?
Last week, Ireland was abuzz with the calamitous news that Bono’s car had been burgled Monday night outside the Clarence Hotel in Temple Bar (or, as one might say, in God’s country). The most valuable thing taken was his fancy portable P.C., which apparently had been moved in a mysterious way.
That would be bad enough, since even a millionaire has to watch his pennies, what with a mortgage and three children to feed and Pokémon cards to buy and all. But it seems that Bono had all the lyrics for the forthcoming U2 album stored on his hard drive. And, like any overconfident techno-geek, he had no backup files. None. Nada. Zip. You-know-what all.
Frantic appeals were made in the national newspapers, on television and radio, and a £2,000 reward was offered, which is a lot of silver and gold. Bono did everything short of appearing on the six o’clock news with red-rimmed eyes and a hankie to plead for its safe return. And after a long, agonizing week, finally someone came forward.
It seems that a young Dubliner named Paul had bought the computer for £300 as a gift for his wife. When he realized that the machine belonged to the singer, he contacted authorities and returned the computer to its ecstatic owner.
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Paul insisted to skeptical gardai that he’d had no idea that the computer was "hot," saying that he believed he was purchasing from a reputable dealer. Since no good deed goes completely unpunished, he may face charges for (however inadvertently) handling stolen goods.
We can only imagine how relieved Bono is now to have his laptop companion back. "All I want is you," he probably crooned to the sleek gray box. In addition to the precious lyrics, he no doubt had all sorts of personal information on there, like the phone number of his favorite columnist, among other things . . .
Can you imagine how annoyed the other band members would be if those songs had been gone for good? The last album may have had some less-than-inspired writing – can anyone forget "Miami/My mammy!" – but at least they didn’t have to wing it. Bono shouldn’t be surprised if he gets a Zip drive and a few boxes of floppies in his stocking this Christmas — right next to the lump of coal.
Gabriel Byrne: Broadway bound in Y2K
Everyone’s favorite dark, brooding Irish actor (and no, we don’t mean Colm Meaney) is getting great notices for his portrayal of old Beelzebub himself in the Ah-nold Schwartenegger film, "End of Days." We refer, of course, to Gabriel Byrne, who, we freely admit, can take us to hell in a handbasket anytime he wants (Gabey, call Bono – he’s got our number!)
Those of you in the tri-state area who yearn to see Gabriel in the flesh will soon have an opportunity. The actor will star in a Broadway revival of Eugene O’Neill’s "A Moon for the Misbegotten," which opens in March. We’ll bring you more details as soon as they’re available . . .
Speaking of Byrne, the Sunday World featured him in a screaming front page headline this week: "Why my kids won’t be Catholic!"
This might be big news for Ireland, but it helps to remember that Byrne’s ex-wife and the mother of the children is actress Ellen Barkin, who happens to be Jewish. She also happens to be engaged to marry one of the richest men in the universe, Revlon magnate Ron Perelman, so that headline could easily have read: "Why my children won’t be paupers!"
Miss Ireland: spitting in the eye of the beholders?
Hold on to your hats, folks: judges at the Miss World Contest are more interested in the contestants’ beauty than in their brains. Stop the presses!
It seems that the current Miss Ireland, Emir Doyle, was annoyed that the arbiters of attractiveness spent more time ogling the women than chatting with them.
"Although we didn’t have to parade down the catwalk in our swimwear on the night, we still had to strut around backstage in togs in front of the judges and let them stare at us for three or four minutes," she complained.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, if someone wasn’t revealing enough, then they were asked to step forward and remove their sarongs completely so the judges could have a better look at them." Right. What did those adjudicators think it was – a beauty contest or something?
On a wing and a prayer
For the people who are offended by Daniel O’Donnell’s lewd gyrations and explicitly sexual lyrics (for our more literal readers: that is a j-o-k-e) comes the perfect holiday song. Squeaky clean Sir Cliff Richard has a new song that’s nudging up the Irish pop charts, called "Millennium Prayer." It’s the Lord’s Prayer set to the tune of "Auld Lang Syne," and it’s neck and neck with Westlife’s single "I Have a Dream" to be the last hit of the century.
Personally, we think Cliffy’s got the advantage, because his ditty’s been slammed by (alleged) lavatory lothario George Michael. But then, nothing makes people more eager to buy a record than to hear it called "vile" and "a heinous piece of music," as George sniffed to the Sunday World. This from the guy who penned the immortal lyrics "My can’t you do it?/Why can’t you set your monkey free?"
Introducing ŒAgnes¹
Angelica Huston and Brendan O¹Carroll share a laugh at the Dublin premiere of ³Agnes Browne,² the film version of O¹Carroll¹s novel, ³The Mammy.² Huston produced and starred in the movie, which also features Marion O¹Dwyer, Ray Winstone and a cameo by Welsh singer Tom Jones.
Hosting the after-party at the Temple Theatre was Trina Vargo, president of the US-Ireland Alliance, who welcomed revelers Jim Sheridan , Neil Jordan, Ronnie Drew and a group of women who work on Moore Street, where the film is set. We can¹t begin to imagine the cacaphony of Dublin accents in that room. Proceeds from the event, which was sponsored by Microsoft, Fyffes Plc. and Cambridge Technology Partners were donated to the US-Ireland Alliance.
No nibbles for NetAid?
After all the hoopla surrounding NetAid comes the sobering news that the all-star charity concert raised just $1 million in on-line donations, despite an internet audience of 2.5 million.
Although the event featured performances by industry biggies like Bono, George Michael, Sting, David Bowie, etc., fans just weren’t inspired to part with much dough-re-mi.
This raises at least one burning question: was Bono’s worst nightmare realized?
Was it, in fact, a "bunch of technocrats playing Walt Disney with the world wide web"?
But organizers insist that they’re not disappointed, exactly. It was more about raising awareness of Third World poverty, they insist.
Briefings
Kenneth Branagh has always had a reputation as something of a wunderkind – after all, he did adapt, direct and star in his first Shakespearean movie, "Henry V," when he was only 28. It’s most appropriate, then, that he will play the original young Hollywood maverick, Orson Wells, in the biographical film "Fade to Black."
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We know you’re not sleeping well at night with all this will-they-or-won’t-they? Boyzone breakup chatter going on. Ronan insists that they’re not.
"When we’re going to break up we’ll tell everybody. It’ll be no great mystery," he huffed.
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Irish director Neil Jordan was fairly blasé about the nude scenes in his new film, "End of the Affair." Referring to the prominence of star Ralph Fiennes’s bare bottom, he explained, "That’s just the way it happened. We didn’t say ‘We shall see Ralph’s bum go up and down . . ." [Note to self: buy movie tickets.]