New & Noteworthy Jokes fall Flat-ley

By Eileen Murphy

Well, we’re sure Don Quixote would agree: if you’re going to tilt at windmills, you might as well go for the big, flashy blonde ones.

There’s tremendous buzz in the auld sod these days over caustic remarks from Northern Ireland’s hottest stand-up comedian, Patrick Kielty. It seems that the funnyman is no fan of "Lord of the Dance" impresario Michael Flatley, whom he often impersonates onstage. He’s thrown down the gauntlet, or whatever it is comedians throw down when they’re spoiling for a fight.

Kielty told the Sunday World that he thinks Flatley is "a bit of a prat," and says that his impression of Flatley dancing was better than the original.

"But then, that wouldn’t be hard, would it?" he sniped.

We were, as you can imagine, terribly upset by these remarks. In the first place, we wondered (as we’re sure Flatley did): what on earth is a prat? Michael may strut around stages in tight pants, his bare, well-oiled chest gleaming under the stagelights, but he’s just trying to bring joy into our humdrum little lives. And in the second place, Michael’s the greatest dancer in the world. Just ask him.

Of course, because Flatley’s such a larger-than-life figure, he’s an easy target for a parody. So keep laughing, Mr. Kielty, because Michael’s laughing too – all the way to the bank.

Speaking of our favorite hoofer, we hear that Michael’s back in Ireland this week, and plans stay there until after Christmas. New Year’s, though, is a different story; we’re betting that he hotfoots it to New York for the ball drop.

Or maybe they’ll wear nameplates

We know that, like us, a lot of you have been losing sleep trying to figure out just how to tell those cute little Westlife boys apart. Fortunately, we’re privy to all their deepest secrets and, for the right price (which is what you paid for this issue), we’ll spill ’em.

Kian, Nicky, Bryan, Mark and Shane whispered their innermost thoughts to their co-manager, Boyzone frontman Ronan Keating, who then told the world . . .

Kian’s the romantic Westie. He says he doesn’t rule out the possibility of dating a fan (yes, girls, you may squeal now). "You never know who you’re going to fall in love with, so you can’t make rules," he said. Just ask Terry Keane and Charlie Haughey.

Although Nicky is one of the brightest lights on the Irish pop scene, he’s also kinda bashful. He was a nervous wreck the first time he met his girlfriend’s father. Of course, this is understandable, since his girlfriend is Georgina Ahern, and pop has a job in government – as taoiseach.

"I was so shy I wasn’t able to say more than ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ to his questions," he confided. We figure Bertie’ll warm up when Nicky’s old enough to vote.

Bryan confesses to being rather gobsmacked by the band’s swoon factor. He says he still can’t get used to being a sex symbol. "One day when we were doing a TV show in the UK, loads of girls turned up to see us and some of them fainted. I was amazed that us lads had that kind of effect on them," he added wonderingly.

Mark’s the party animal who says he’s thrilled to be a pop star. "Two years ago, nobody knew who I was . . . now I go to parties and I see people like Robbie Williams and the Spice Girls." Not to burst Mark’s bubble, but we doubt that Robbie or the various Spices tell their friends that they’re partying with a WestLifer . . .

Shane’s the bad boy of the band. His teachers were convinced he’d never amount to anything, given his propensity for "messing" and his short attention span. "I still have a low attention span," he admits, which conjures up images of him shooting spitballs while the rest of the boys are rehearsing their dance steps.

Stasis for Oasis?

Those of you who’ve been biting your nails waiting for the new Oasis album to hit the stores, really, you’re going to have to find a hobby. The Music999.com website reports that the band is facing copyright quibbles over lyrics to the first single from the new album.

The song, "Go Let it Out," contains the lines, "Is it any wonder why princes and kings are clowns that caper in their sawdust rings, and ordinary people that are like you and me are the keepers of their destiny?" Nice sentiment, but, as the website points out, it sounds suspiciously like the regg’ song "Book of Rules": "Isn’t it strange how princesses and kings can clown their capers in sawdust rings, poor people like you and me will be builders for eternity?"

In more news, there was apparently a bit of a crisis last week in Oasis-land. Reports filtered in from London that Liam Gallagher had gone on walkabout just before the band’s American tour was to begin.

The Daily News carried the story that the bad boy singer, who’s had well-documented sobriety problems in the past, had gone missing, much to the dismay of his wife, Patsy Kensit, and his brother Noel.

The wayward Gallagher returned within 48 hours, in time to board the plane for the States, so as they say, no harm, no foul. But the band’s record label, Creation, was rattled enough by the incident (and anxious to soothe jittery concert promoters who remember the band’s abbreviated 1996 tour) to issue a statement: "Despite continued reports in the media, Liam is not missing. He is currently undertaking his promotional work for the week in London as planned." See, he wasn’t missing – he was working. Oh.

They say the neon lights are bright . . .

Attention, all traditional Irish musicians: the long hours you put in practicing to be the next Davy Spillane, Eileen Ivers, Joanie Madden or Joe Derrane might pay off this year.

Unless you’ve been hiding under a very large rock, you’ve heard that "Riverdance: The Show" will be making its Broadway debut early in the new year, and the producers are looking for "talented and responsible musicians with a strong background in traditional Irish music" to serve as substitute musicians for the Broadway run of the show.

If you play the drum kit, percussion (no tuned percussion), acoustic/electric guitar (Spanish flamenco style), electric bass, soprano sax, uilleann pipes, traditional Irish fiddle, Button accordion, gadulka and kaval, bodhran or synthesizer, you can send a resume and/or tape, with your name, address and phone number to:

David Lai

c/o Sony Music

550 Madison Ave., Room 2376

New York, NY 10022

The deadline is Dec. 15, and Lai says that all submissions will be reviewed. After narrowing down the list, Lai will hold auditions on Dec. 20 from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. And if any of our readers make the cut, drop us a line at irecho@aol.com so we can live the experience vicariously. The only thing we can play is the CD player.