Category: Archive

New & Noteworthy Sifting through our fan mail

February 16, 2011

By Staff Reporter

By Eileen Murphy

We’d like to start the new century with a clean slate, considering it’s the actual first year of the millennium. Yes, yes, we know everybody thought that the last year marked the turn of the century — it’s the only possible reason that millions of people stood for hours behind barricades in Manhattan, wearing goofy "2000" glasses that shouted to all and sundry, "I couldn’t get a date for the &%^$#! Millennium!"

Anyway, we’ve decided to clear our desk of clutter, candy (think New Year’s resolutions), and correspondence. So sit back, munch on a candy cane or other seasonal treat, and take a stroll through our letters pile . . .

Dear New & Noteworthy,

You know how having the No. 1 Christmas single is, like, soooo important in Ireland the UK? Well, I just heard that my most favorite band, Westlife, got bumped out of the top spot by a puppet in a children’s cartoon. Could this possible be true, or was my Auntie Assumpta nipping at the cooking sherry while watching "Top of the Pops"? Next she’ll be telling me that there’s no Santa Claus.


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P.S.: I like the new picture. Makes you look kind of devilish.

Dear Virginia,

First things first: thanks for the kind words about the ol’ snapshot. Never liked the other one — it always looked like we sniffing something unpleasant.

As for the Westlife thing . . . we’re sorry to say that the Irish band has, indeed, been left in the dust by a blobby little puppet. But then, what else can you expect from a country full of people who think that the sun shines out of the queen’s . . . well, use your imagination.

Actually, Bob’s little ditty, "Can We Fix It," is quite catchy. We hear that teenagers love it, and that trendy British DJs have been playing it non-stop in nightclubs. Poor Westlife, with their earnest (though equally catchy) "What Makes a Man," will just have to wait until next year. In the meantime, they’ve thrown down the gauntlet — or rather, the work glove — to the little builder.

"We’ll be interested to see if he manages seven number ones like we did," sniped Bryan McFadden.

And, yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. (Hmmm . . . that has a familiar ring to it.)

Dear New & Noteworthy,

I bought the new U2 album, and although I love it, I have to admit, I’m confused. Can you explain why Bono insists on rhyming the word "idea" with "media" in the song "Kite"? I’m sick of this kind of close-but-no-cigar kind of songwriting! Also, what’s with the new pic at the top of your page?


Rhymin’ Simon

Dear Si,

You’ll remember that Bono had his laptop computer — with all the lyrics for the new U2 album — stolen a while back. Although it was eventually returned to him, we’re convinced that the thief’s sole motivation in swiping the thing was to sabotage the new record by messing with the rhymes. We have it on good authority that "idea" was supposed to be paired with either "feedee-ya" or "plea-dee-ya."

Of course, it’s not fair to come down on Bono so hard — after all, most the the rhymes on "All That You Can’t Leave Behind" are perfect. OK, he may not be Sting, pairing "tuition" with "fruition," but even such mucky-mucks as Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber have been known to pen a few clunkers, like this immortal couplet from "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat": "His astounding clothing took the biscuit / Quite the smoothest person in the district." Ugh.

For the record: the old pic is now aging in an attic, while we stay dewy and youthful. That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

Dear New & Noteworthy,

A few weeks ago, you mentioned that ex-Boyzoner Ronan Keating recorded a cover of Shane MacGowan’s classic "Fairytale of New York." This raises some important questions, namely: Does Shane know about this? Will Ronan have to hire extra security to ward off outraged Pogues fans? And are your hands going to stay visible in your new column photo?


Sally MacLanane

Dear Sally,

Funny you should ask. Shane says that he’s flattered that Keating chose to record "Fairytale," although he admits, "I haven’t heard it, actually."

MacGowan, who is mourning the sudden, tragic death of "Fairytale" duet partner Kirsty MacColl in a boating accident in Mexico, says he has no problem with the squeaky-clean Keating’s tidied-up version.

"I’ve got nothing against Ronan Keating; I’ve got nothing against his singing," he told Ireland on Sunday. "He’s shown excellent taste in recording that song. If he’s [rhymes with plucked] it up, right, we can all [rhymes with muck] things up, you know what I mean?"

So, if Ro’s got Shane’s blessing, we’re sure he’s safe from marauding Pogues fans, who are all busy listening to Black 47 these days, anyway.

And yes, now that you mention it, the hands probably will stay in the column pic, since they do all the typing. (Hey, that’s not what we meant to sayyyyyy . . . )

Dear New & Noteworthy,

No one likes staring at pictures of Bono more than I do, but enough is enough, already! Could you promise never, never, ever to use that stupid photo of him in the gold lamé (or is it just lame) suit? In return, I promise to read every lame (or is it lamé?) item you feel obligated to run on ex-Boyzoner Shane Lynch.

By the way, did you change your hair color? The picture looks different.


Party Girl

Dear Girl,

We’ve gotten a lot of letters asking us to retire the MacPhisto picture, since Bono, like Madonna, has had at least three new "looks" since that photo was taken. This is absolutely, positively the last time you’ll see it here — unless, of course, a certain impish drummer requests it again. (Larry, you’re such a devil!)

As for reading the Shane items, proceed at your own discretion. But come on, admit it — between the shaved eyebrow, the fight with Puff Daddy and the racing career, isn’t he one big bundle of entertainment?

As for the picture thing, we have a question for you: do people actually change their God-given hair color?

Dear New & Noteworthy,

I’ve been cast in "Survivor III" and will shortly be moving to a remote planet in the Alpha Centauri system. I’m allowed to bring three CDs with me, and I’d like to find some current Irish ones to take along. Any suggestions?


Will Robinson

P.S.: I’ve had your picture tattooed onto my arm next to Regis Philbin, as we can’t take photo albums with us.

Dear Will,

If we were going to be marooned on a distant planet as part of a game show, we’d be sure to pack U2’s "All That You Can’t Leave Behind," The Corr’s "In Blue," and any Van Morrison album. Having good music in the background will help if you’re forced to eat some bizarre alien food (like, say, parsnips) as part of an initiation rite.

And don’t take this the wrong way, but if we have to spend the next 50 years on your left bicep, couldn’t it have been next to a picture of Daniel Day Lewis?

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