By Eileen Murphy
You’ll all be relieved to know that Ronan Keating is leaving no stone unturned in his bid to become a major star in the lucrative American market.
Recently, he spent $20,000 on a set of shiny white teeth in a bid to appeal to finicky Yanks, since most of us (come on, admit it!) still nurse a secret crush on the Osmond Brothers. Now, we hear that Ro has allowed his most visible manly asset to be airbrushed off the cover of his new single. Yes, girls, that’s right: the record company has ripped the hair right off his chest.
Well, not literally. The company had its art department airbrush the offending swirls out of the photo, so that nothing but baby-smooth skin peeks out from his open-necked shirt.
Apparently, the general consensus is that Americans like their pop stars to be as hairless as little Chihuahuas, except when it comes to their heads. It’s a more inviting look, according to those in the know.
"We want [Ronan] to look friendly," a record company insider told the London Sun. Obviously, they have learned from the example set by another former boy band star, Robbie Williams.
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"[Robbie] looks kinda hirsute," confided the insider. No wonder he rips his skin off during the video for "Rock DJ."
In more Ronan news, we hear that the singer has just inked a deal to plug one of the world’s most popular soft drinks. The trouble is, we’re not sure which corporate giant he’ll be pitching.
The Ireland Online entertainment wire announced yesterday that Ronan will be joining fellow pop icon Britney Spears as the new face of the Pepsi generation. Ro is no stranger to Pepsi; a few years back, Boyzone plugged the fizzy concoction. If, indeed, he winds up in the Pepsi stable, Keating will be following in the footsteps as such cultural icons as:
1. Joan Crawford, who appeared, sans wire hangers, in ads when she was married to the head of the company;
2. Michael Jackson, who set his hair on fire while filming a commercial;
3. Madonna, whose Pepsi-sponsored world premiere video, "Like a Prayer," featured the Material girl dancing in front of burning crosses after doing the horizontal mambo with a saint.
An impressive heritage, indeed. Perhaps they could have Ro don a belly shirt to the delight of a retired old politic . . . Oops! Britney beat him to it.
In direct contrast, the Sunday World reports that Ronan has signed on to promote Pepsi’s archrival, Coca-Cola. Their story has Ronan joining forces with that other Louis Walsh-produced phenom, Samantha Mumba, in teaching the world to sing in perfect harmony — and, somehow, without belching — while guzzling gallons of carbonated refreshment.
And finally, we hear that Ronan has changed his mind about buying that £1 million pad in Kildare and is, instead, breaking into his piggy bank to pay for a £2.5 million mansion in Malahide, Co. Dublin. In the meantime, though, he’s got to sell his home in Celbridge. This might be a little tough now, though, since a group of travelers has decided to set up camp practically at his front gate.
Ronan hasn’t commented (publicly) yet, but a pal told the Sunday World that, "His new unwelcome neighbors may jeopardize the sale."
What’s a guy to do but have a Coke and a smile? Or perhaps, as Britney sings, "just enjoy the ride"?
RTE to get its kicks
There may still be some Irish people mourning the death of the long-running culchie soap opera "Glenroe," but let us assure them that even though Miley has fertilized his last mushroom, the network’s tradition of quality drama will continue unabated.
We hear that the network is hard at work on a new show, "On Home Ground," which will follow the exploits of a fictional Gaelic football team in their quest for whatever it is footballers want, such as drinking whiskey out of the Sam Maguire cup.
The series will star Sean McGinley, who is one of those actors who’s been in almost every Irish movie made in the past 10 years ("The General," "Michael Collins," etc.) Since it’s a footballer story, there should also be lots of hunky guys, so we’ll be crossing our fingers that PBS picks up this series, as it did with "BallyKissangel." Dou yo think it’s too early to start a letter writing campaign?
Speaking of BallyK, those of you who’ve been pining for a glimpse of actor Frank Wycherley since his Fr. Aidan character high-tailed it out of town last season will be happy to hear that he’s gainfully employed and working on another TV series.
The dashing former "curate" will star in a sort of Irish "Friends" clone called "Bachelors Walk." And just in case you were expecting light-hearted comedy, we hear it’s gong to have a slightly anthropologic feel.
"It should hopefully give women an insight into men’s more charming as well as appalling characteristics," said executive producer David Collins. Oooooh.
Vox sorrowful
Midge Ure said recently that he regrets not having asked his pal, Phil Lynott, to reunite with Thin Lizzy to play at the Live Aid concert in 1985.
The former Ultra Vox singer, who, with Bob Geldof, was one of the driving forces behind Band Aid and Live Aid, said, "I regret not having asked him to put Thin Lizzy back together."
Ure had convinced other disbanded groups, such as The Who, Led Zeppelin, Status Quo and Black Sabbath to put aside their differences and play at the charity concert, which raised money to combat famine in Ethiopia.
"It was only afterward that it occurred to me," said Ure, who had performed as a member of Thin Lizzy during the band’s 1979 world tour.
Despite Lynott’s well-publicized drug problems, his sudden death in January 1986 caught his friend off-guard.
"When I heard that he had gone to hospital that last time, I really believed he would pull through," Ure told the Sunday World.
"He’d always managed to escape. He was always at death’s door, but it was like crying wolf — you always knew that somehow he’d be OK.
Unfortunately, this time Philo wasn’t messing.
"I never even got the chance to say sorry," Ure said.
Westie in hiding
Westlife heartthrob Bryan McFadden and his Atomic Kitten fiancée, Kerry Katona, have abandoned plans to move into a new home in County Wicklow due to a campaign of harassment.
The pop pair, who are expecting the birth of their first child any second now, were in the process of moving into the £1 million mansion when they started receiving nasty letters from anonymous sources.
According to Britain’s News of the World, the couple have also been annoyed by "gangs of hostile yobs" (whatever that is), so they’ve decided to pack up their hair gel and mascara and head for friendlier pastures.
As a wise man once noted, fame — ain’t it a bitch?
Walsh aims to ‘Rock’ the boat
Not content to be known as the king (or is that kingmaker) of Irish pop, Louis Walsh is setting his sights on the rock world. Headbangers of the world, be very afraid.
The man who brought us Boyzone, B*Witched (are they still around?), Westlife, Samantha Mumba and Bellefire says that he plans to put together a rock band. No, not just a bunch of fresh-faced teens with perfect hair and pretty voices — these will be fresh-faced teens with perfect hair, pretty voices AND some musical talent.
Walsh said that new band will be made up of — get ready — musicians. You know, the kind who can actually play instruments. He’s obviously aiming for a band with street cred, deep roots and something important to say. A band that will touch the soul, and articulate the universal truths of our empty existence.
"A modern Duran Duran," he said.
Hmmm, maybe not.
To the critics who say that a pre-fab rock band can never measure up to its real, organically-grown brethren, Walsh has a ready answer.
"I don’t care about credibility as long as the band are successful," said the pragmatic Walsh.
And anyway, he continued, "What is manufactured? Who put Oasis together?" (We’re only guessing, but we think it was a depilatory manufacturer.)
"U2 were put together after an advert appeared," noted the wily manager. Yes, Louis. By a 16-year-old aspiring drummer on a high school bulletin board, but we get the point.
Get him to the church (this time)
They say third time’s a charm, and hopefully this will hold true for Irish actor Pierce Brosnan, who is set to tie the knot with his fiancée in Ireland this summer.
The 007 star and Keely Shay Smith will marry in Mayo on Aug. 4, and hold a reception at Ashford Castle. The wedding has been postponed twice, first due to scheduling difficulties and then because of spinal injures suffered by the actor’s son in a car crash last year.
The Navan-born actor and Smith have reportedly signed a deal with Hello! Magazine, which will publish exclusive pictures of the wedding.
Geldof opens up about Paula
He’s got a reputation for being notoriously — and some might say, aggressively — private, so it comes as a bit of a surprise to hear that Bob Geldof plans to comment on the suicide deaths of his ex-wife Paula Yates and her boyfriend, INXS singer Michael Hutchence. Sir Bob will tackle the touchy subject on his forthcoming album, "Sex, Age and Death," which is due to hit record stores in September.
Geldof, who has not released an album since the early 1990s’ ironically named flop "The Happy Club," addresses Yates and Hutchence directly in the lyrics.
Music Week magazine reports that "Inside Your Head" demands of Hutchence: "Why put a noose around your neck?/What the f*ck’s going on inside your head?" and goes on to accuse Yates: "You got the palace, I go the shed/You got a life, you left me for dead."
Geldof told the magazine, "Some things are unsayable. Maybe I can articulate them in music."
Conversational Irish
Irish: Queue
American: Line
Useful phrase: Is this where we queue up for tickets to the Boyzone reunion concert?
The first time we went to Ireland, we were astonished to learn that people expected us to queue up for things like movie tickets and the ladies room. Not because we’re one of those pushy New Yorkers (well, actually, we are) but because we didn’t know what "queue" meant. Was everyone going to stand around in a "Q" shaped line? How would you know who stood in the little tail part? It was all too confusing. Eventually, a cousin explained that "queue" was the French word for "line" but then this opened up another can of worms, since Irish people stand IN a queue and New Yorkers stand ON a line. But then, you say spuds, and we say potatoes . . .
Irish: Taxi Rank
American: Taxi Stand
Useful phrase: Shall we go and queue at the taxi rank?
This is another one that gives us a giggle. Do Irish people rate their taxis on a scale of one to 10? Do bigger cabs outrank smaller ones? Or is it based on the seniority of the driver? Of course, having people queue up in a central place to wait for a taxi is a very civilized system, though we prefer dashing out in traffic with one arm raised like the Statue of Liberty, as is customary here in the Big Apple. The only problem with an Irish taxi rank, as far as we can see, is that they’re never anywhere near where we are when we need a taxi.
Irish: Cinema, Films
American: Movies
Useful phrase: The queue for tickets to the cinema starts down near the taxi rank.
It’s always fun to go to the movies with Irish friends, because even if you’re on your way to see "Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo — The Sequel," they make it sound like some kind of posh cultural affair. That’s because Irish people refer to movies as the cinema, which sounds like an art house film where some Swedish guy playing Death discusses Sartre while holding a bowl of cherries. And while we’re on the subject of Irish people and movies, did you know that in Ireland they have assigned seating in movie theaters? Where’s the sport in that?