New & Noteworthy:Your questions answered . . .

By Eileen Murphy

So, the lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer are upon us, and there’s barely a mouse stirring in celebrity gossip land. We thought we’d use this week’s column to answer some of the questions that have been worrying you, our cherished readers. And while we can’t answer every question, those sent in on scented stationery usually prevail . . .

Dear New & Noteworthy,

I’ve heard that someone paid more than _6 million for a house in the Dalkey area of Dublin. Is this true? If it is, I have four questions:

(1) Isn’t that a ridiculous price?

(2) What will that do to property values in the district?

(3) Will it make all the other celebrities look like they’re living in caravans by comparison?

(4) Was Jack Nicholson the anonymous buyer? Tell the truth!

By the way, please keep up the terrific coverage of BoyZone and U2.

Sincerely,

P. Hewson

Killiney

Dear P. Hewson,

You want the truth? Huh? You want the truth? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Sorry – we’ve always wanted to say that.

Yes, it’s true that someone paid about _6 million smackeroos for a house in Dublin’s Money Belt of Killiney/Dalkey. This is the highest price ever paid for a house in Ireland, and has made everyone over there stand up and take notice like you wouldn’t believe. Now, to answer your questions:

(1) Yes, that’s a ridiculous price for a house, but money means nothing in a country where they charge you 10p just to use the ladies’ room.

(2) What planet are you on? Do we sound like a financial analyst? We majored in English Lit., so we’ll answer in Shakespearean terms: “A fool and his money are soon parted (yea, and by a clever broker).”

(3) The other celebrities in the area – who probably only paid a couple of mil for their houses – will seem like squatters next to their new and obviously well-heeled neighbor. They might as well start dressing in silky track suits right now.

(4) Yes, all indications – that is, all the gossip columnists – agree that Jack Nicholson is the buyer with the deep pockets. And don’t worry – it’ll be only slightly creepy to live next door to the man who looked born to swing an ax in “The Shining.”

And of course we’ll continue to cover those cutie-pies in BoyZone. Although the U2 guys are getting a little dull in their old age . . .

Best regards,

New & Noteworthy

Dear New & Noteworthy,

What gives? I thought Rosie O’Donnell had the inside track to play the title role in the movie version of Frank McCourt’s memoir, “Angela’s Ashes.” Last week, you said Emily Watson is this close to being hired. You drinkin’ again?

By the way, please keep up the terrific coverage of BoyZone and U2.

Sincerely,

A Rosie Fan

Dear Rosie Fan,

Funny, we also thought that Ms. O’Donnell was a shoo-in for the part of Angela McCourt. Personally, we’re having a little trouble envisioning Watson – who was convincingly kooky in “Breaking the Waves,” and who mostly bit her lower lip in “The Boxer” – as the feisty Mrs. M. But, hey – we had our doubts about Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise (especially Tom Cruise) in Neil Jordan’s “Interview with the Vampire” – and they were pretty. Make that pretty good.

As for Rosie – don’t shed any tears on her account. The energetic talk show host is in the running to take over the presenting duties at next year’s Oscars. Which will give Billy Crystal a rest (he seems to need a break periodically) and give Rosie some international exposure. Imagine hearing people in Sri Lanka refer to one another as “cutie-patooties”!

As for BoyZone and U2 – yes, we’ll do our best to keep you up to date on important stuff. One never knows when someone’s voice will change. And no – we’re not drinkin’, as you so elegantly put it. Thank you very much.

Best regards,

New & Noteworthy

Dear New & Noteworthy,

I love, love, love the Chieftains, and have been waiting impatiently for a new album. Anything in the works at the moment? I’ve almost worn out my CD of “The Long Journey Home.” By the way, could you please put a sock in your coverage of BoyZone and U2? I’m sick, sick, sick of them.

Sincerely,

The Chief Chieftains Fan

Dear Chief,

First of all, you cannot wear out a CD, since the only thing that touches it (besides your greasy fingers) is a laser beam or something like that. What do we look like? Some sort of electrical engineer?

But back to your question: yes, the Chieftains will be bringing out a new album in the fall. The title is “Tears of Stone,” and the album will feature collaborations with female artists, including Sinead O’Connor, Joan Osborne and Joni Mitchell. As soon as we have a firm release date and track listing, we’ll publish ’em.

To address your concerns about our BoyZone/U2 coverage: when we took on the responsibility of writing this column, we took a sacred oath to bring you as much trivial music news as humanly possible. Need we say more, more, more?

Best regards,

New & Noteworthy

Dear New & Noteworthy,

Last week, you wrote that the Spice Girls were in Dublin recording their new album, when any 6-year-old could have told you they were at Madison Square Garden. What gives? You drinkin’ again?

Thanks for your continued coverage of BoyZone and U2. Those zany anecdotes really make those prison bars seem to melt away . . .

Sincerely,

Real Scary Spice

Dear Spice,

Ooops! That was an old-ish story that should have run in an earlier issue. After all, the Spice Girls were everywhere last week – and their harmonies disturbed the sleep of the entire tri-state canine population. Er . . . just kidding.

Glad to know you like the BoyZone and U2 stories. Unfortunately, there’s nothing to report this week, but we’ll keep your needs in mind.

And what’s with this drinkin’ thing?

Best regards,

New & Noteworthy

Dear New & Noteworthy,

I can take a joke as well as the next person, but tell me if this could possibly be true. I heard that there’s a production of “Grease” playing in Ireland right now that’s based on the movie, rather than on the musical stage play. Has the world gone mad?

What’s with all the BoyZone and U2? I want more news on Daniel O’Donnell!

Sincerely,

Hopelessly Devoted Fan

Dear Devoted,

Sorry to break this to you, but yes, the Irish production of “Grease” is based on the movie rather than on the play. And yes, it’s proving to be very popular. Yeesh.

We’ll bring you news of wee Daniel as it arises. Maybe he’ll invite us to tea at Kincasslagh . . .

And to answer your question: yes, of course the world has gone mad. Jack Nicholson just paid _6 million for a house in Dalkey. Duh.

Best regards,

New & Noteworthy