No matter what you call him – Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, or St. Nicholas – Santa Claus is a legend in his own time. Every year on Christmas Eve, the big guy delivers millions of packages using an earth-friendly vehicle powered by a bunch of reindeer. In a world of moral relativity, he is proud to be the final arbiter of what is naughty and what is nice. And, finally, he knows that it’s important to keep the receipt if he’s not sure about the size of that sweater. This week, Santa steps into the Echo Chamber and shares his thoughts about celebrity behavior and ersatz Santas . . .
If you were going to be stuck on a desert island for a month, who would you want to be marooned with?
The cast of the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Show. Including all those Rockettes.
How would you describe your personal style of dress?
I had my colors done, and the consultant said I has a “winter” complexion. So I stick to red and white, mostly.
Personal motto/favorite saying?
It’s a toss-up between “Ho, ho, ho!” and “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer . . .” well, you get the idea. Although lately I find myself saying “Fish-izzle” a lot.
What’s the toughest thing about your job?
Keeping up with the hot toy trends. “Tickle Me Elmo”? “Furbees”? Who knew?
If I were to see you in a pub, what drink should I send over?
Ho, ho, ho! What would the kiddies think if Santa started sculling pints at the local watering hole? I’ll stick to sipping eggnog in front of the fire, thanks. As long as it’s got a bit of Christmas cheer in it, if you know what I mean.
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If you weren’t in your present job, what alternate career could you see yourself in?
I could see myself singing in a boy band and dating Britney Spears. She’d look really nice in a snowsuit.
Who’s your secret celebrity crush?
I’d have to choose my “Miracle on 34th Street” co-star, the lovely Maureen O’Hara. But don’t tell Mrs. Claus.
How can you possibly keep tabs on who’s naughty and who’s nice?
For celebrities, I monitor the gossip columns, particularly “New & Noteworthy.” (Those Westlife boys keep shifting from one list to the other.) For regular folks, I monitor cell phone text messages. Watch the salty language, people!
Pet peeve?
Everybody reads “T’was the Night Before Christmas,” so they expect me to have a little round belly, a nose like a cherry and a beard. But come on – that was sooo 19th century! These days, I really want to do Atkins, treat the rosacea and sport a hip goatee.
Which Christmas movie captured the real Santa?
I think Mickey Rooney nailed the real me in the stop-animation classic “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” But I’ll give an honorable mention to Edmund Glynn in “Miracle on 34th Street” and Tim Allen in “The Santa Clause.” As for Billy Bob Thornton’s “Bad Santa,” he can expect a lump of coal this year. Bad, bad “Santa”!
What song do you like to sing in the shower?
I know you’re expecting something like “Jingle Bells,” but I prefer more contemporary material like “Santa Baby” and “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.”
What would be tougher to live without: email, a mobile phone or a CD player?
I’d be lost without my mobile phone. I just got these cool ringtones . . .