Category: Archive

The envelope, please . . .

February 16, 2011

By Staff Reporter

By Eileen Murphy

It’s that time of the year again — bleak, cold, depressingly post-holiday — when it seems like the sun will never shine again, and everyone could do with some cheering up. And, since there’s no quicker way to brighten our own spirits than by poking fun at the privileged and celebrated, we bring you the first in what we hope will be an annual tradition . . .

The New & Noteworthy Awards

The awards, hereafter known as the “Noties,” have been awarded to those celebrities whose antics have provided us with grist for the gossip mill over the last year or so.

The “I’m the mother, that’s why” Notie goes to Mother Bernadette Mary (Sinead) O’Connor, for calling the cops on superstar pal Shane MacGowan.

Yes, she’s still wearing that dog collar even though she’s resumed her career as a pop singer. So when she suspected that the ex-Pogues frontman was again battling substance abuse, Sinead marched over to his London home and tried to exorcise his demons. Shane told her where to stick her good intentions, which inspired Sinead to yell, “You have to do what I tell you, because I’m your priest!” When that didn’t impress MacGowan, Sinead decided to rely on less-than-divine intervention: the police.

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The “Life is a rollercoaster” Notie goes to ex-Boyzone frontman Ronan Keating for weathering life’s ups and downs without even ruffling his perfectly coifed hair.

It’s been a busy year for the pint-sized singer, between launching a successful solo career, weathering criticism over the delays in launching those mobile cancer awareness units and managing the super-successful son-of-Boyzone clones, Westlife. The often-slagged singer, who once called Dublin “Europe’s bitchiest capitol” is laughing all the way to the bank, as fans giggle all the way to the record store to buy his debut solo project.

The “Wake up and smell the Irish coffee” award is a collective Notie, awarded to the members of Boyzone, who insist that the band is on “hiatus” while simultaneously pursuing solo projects the way drowning men pursue life preservers.

It seems ages since the ‘Zoners burst onto the music scene, unable to sing, dance or chew gum with any sense of conviction. After much hard work, they carved out a place on the Irish pop scene, with their boyish good looks, screaming teenage fans and their own diary page in the Sunday World newspaper. Well, the Boyz are men now, with mortgages and facial hair. The teenage fans are at university, losing brain cells to techno and electronica. And, in the final insult, that Sunday World page has been taken over by the fresh-faced lads of Westlife. Hey, as the song says, “When the going gets tough . . . ”

The “Get me to the church on time” Notie goes to Pierce Brosnan and Keely Shay Smith, whose impending wedding has been postponed more times than a New Year’s diet resolution.

The Irish actor and his fiancTe must be getting a preferred-customer discount from the local catering halls at this stage. Their marriage plans have been called off three times by our count (although, admittedly, the first wedding date was probably just press speculation). The happy couple, who are the proud parents of baby Dylan, were forced to call off their most recent plans when Brosnan’s 16-year-old son, Sean, was seriously injured in a traffic accident last April. Brosnan explained the couple’s decision to wait by saying, “I want my boy to be able to dance at my wedding.” At this stage, Dylan will be able to give the wedding toast.

The “Father of the Year” Notie goes to Oasis oaf Liam Gallagher, who’s expecting a little bundle of joy with All Saints singer Nicole Appleton.

Gee, it seems like only yesterday that Gallagher was excira’ and delira’ over the birth of his son Lennon with (now ex-)wife Patsy Kensit. Fast-forward a few months, and the mono-browed musician has moved on to his next affair of the heart (and next child) with the speed of a Champagne supernova. Nicole, take note.

The “Rock and roll stops the traffic” Notie to U2 for bringing Times Square to a virtual standstill last October with their live rooftop appearance on MTV’s show “TRL.”

The performance introduced the band to a whole new generation — most of whom were more concerned with diaper rash than acne breakouts when “The Joshua Tree” first hit the charts.

The “Putting their money where their feet are” Notie is a joint award that goes to Jean Butler and Colin Dunne. The pair’s short-lived show, “Dancing on Dangerous Ground,” ate up a sizable chunk of their “Riverdance” earnings before closing shortly after its New York run.

Despite some truly dazzling choreography and the undisputed talent of its principal dancers, the show fell on dangerous ground when it failed to find a wide enough audience.

A special “Gotta dance” Notie goes to Tony Cox, who had the show’s only non-dancing role as the cuckolded king betrayed ny Grainne (Butler) and Diarmuid (Dunne). Cox’s role was limited to walking around the stage, employing hand gestures to convey amusement, bemusement and annoyance. Many of the same gestures were, unfortunately, employed by the audience as well.

The “Ballykiss-off” Notie is jointly awarded to Stephen Tompkinson, Dervla Kirwan and Colin Farrell, all of whom left the Irish soap opera for bigger and better things.

Tompkinson and Kirwan are finding lots of work in BBC land, but Farrell is the real success story to date. He’s now a certified Hollywood hunk, having starred in the war epic “Tigerland,” and is presently filming “Jesse James” in George W. Bush’s back garden. Not bad for a hunky Dub who made his mark playing — what else? — a hunky Dub.

The “Beauty’s more than skin deep” Notie goes to Donegal’s most famous son, Irish singer Daniel O’Donnell, for his work on behalf of Romanian orphans.

Wee Daniel, whose classic good looks and incredibly squeaky-clean image have made him the man most mammies would love to call son-in-law, has shown that his reputation as a nice guy is well earned.

O’Donnell and his fans have raised millions of dollars to help the children who live in hellish orphanages. He’s established a refuge that houses dozens of children and gives them access to medical care and basic necessities. In addition, he played Santa Claus this past Christmas, bringing presents for 500 children who otherwise would have had nothing.

The “If the political gig falls through, I’ll sing for me supper” Notie goes to Taoiseach Bertie Ahern, who has expressed a desire to sing with Irish supergroup Westlife.

We don’t know if his voice is up to snuff, but Bertie’s certainly got the inside track — his daughter Georgina is dating Westie Nicky Byrne.

The “Nothing ventured, nothing gained” Notie goes to Irish actor Gabriel Byrne, who parlayed his movie hunkdom into a Broadway stint and a TV sitcom.

Byrne starred in the critically acclaimed revival of Eugene O’Neill’s “A Moon for the Misbegotten.” He earned critical raves and a Tony Award nomination, but ultimately, he wound up with nothing to put on his mantelpiece. Later, Byrne signed on for the ABC television series “Madigan Men,” about an Irish architect and his irascible father and wiseacre teenage son. The show was mildly amusing, but its certain-death Friday night time slot contributed greatly to its cancellation.

Though Byrne ends the year technically out of work, he’s shown the world his versatility as an actor, proving that he’s not just another silver screen hunk. But we knew that.

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